TRP Challenge 6: Look in the mirror in a non-judgemental way
I still hold that one of the most traumatising every day tasks you can complete is to go bikini shopping. Especially if this is in a Topshop store (if you know, you know). I am under no illusion that many people would say I suffer from 'thin privilege'. I get this, and I accept this too. However, it is possible to loathe (and equally, and more importanly, love) your body at any size.
I used to hate the way I looked. I would stand in front of the mirror and pinpoint all the parts of me which I wanted to change, shrink, smooth, lift. I would spend hours, days even, fretting about different parts of my body and the way they appeared in the mirror or to others. I compared myself to others relentlessly. I never ever looked in the mirror and thought about the things which I liked or the amazing things which my body could do.
A few years ago my body was in crisis. All the muscle I had built up through being an active child & teenager was gone. My hair was falling out in chunks every time I showered. My skin was sore and dry, and I had bruises all over my body from sitting down and lying in bed at night. But the most harrowing thing was looking in the mirror and realising the person I once was had gone too. I remember going to a party and a stranger telling me that my eyes looked really sad. My Mum & sister say it was like the lights were on, but no-one was home.
During this period of my life I had a Jekyll and Hyde relationship with the mirror. I either spent hours looking into it, picking out all my flaws & beating myself up for the number of calories I had consumed that day, or I completely avoided my own reflection. I was scared to see who I had become, or more literally who I no longer was.
Over the past few years I have spent a good amount of time fixing my fractured relationship with the mirror, my reflection and, ultimately, myself.
As recently as a few months ago I still looked in the mirror in a critical way. The biggest shift was that I wasn't doing this every day. Some days I would look in the mirror & think how good my outfit looked. On others I would admire the definition I had gained from working out. I would still have the odd day where I would avoid my reflection or would be critical of the way my stomach looked bigger in the evening than when I first woke up.
One day I decided enough was enough, once and for all. I am making a conscious decision to still look in the mirror, but not too often. And when I do so, I look at myself in a neutral or positive way. Even if my stomach is bloated, my legs are pale & my face is bare, I will still appreciate the things my body can do and the beauty in my flaws.
I am learning that my body is literally the only thing which gets me through every day. It helps me to get out of bed in the morning, walk to the office, get through a day of meetings & work, jump, run, spin & do whatever else in my work outs each day. My body obviously loves me, so it's time I started to love it.
I still hold that one of the most traumatising every day tasks you can complete is to go bikini shopping. Especially if this is in a Topshop store (if you know, you know). I am under no illusion that many people would say I suffer from 'thin privilege'. I get this, and I accept this too. However, it is possible to loathe (and equally, and more importanly, love) your body at any size.
I used to hate the way I looked. I would stand in front of the mirror and pinpoint all the parts of me which I wanted to change, shrink, smooth, lift. I would spend hours, days even, fretting about different parts of my body and the way they appeared in the mirror or to others. I compared myself to others relentlessly. I never ever looked in the mirror and thought about the things which I liked or the amazing things which my body could do.
A few years ago my body was in crisis. All the muscle I had built up through being an active child & teenager was gone. My hair was falling out in chunks every time I showered. My skin was sore and dry, and I had bruises all over my body from sitting down and lying in bed at night. But the most harrowing thing was looking in the mirror and realising the person I once was had gone too. I remember going to a party and a stranger telling me that my eyes looked really sad. My Mum & sister say it was like the lights were on, but no-one was home.
During this period of my life I had a Jekyll and Hyde relationship with the mirror. I either spent hours looking into it, picking out all my flaws & beating myself up for the number of calories I had consumed that day, or I completely avoided my own reflection. I was scared to see who I had become, or more literally who I no longer was.
Over the past few years I have spent a good amount of time fixing my fractured relationship with the mirror, my reflection and, ultimately, myself.
As recently as a few months ago I still looked in the mirror in a critical way. The biggest shift was that I wasn't doing this every day. Some days I would look in the mirror & think how good my outfit looked. On others I would admire the definition I had gained from working out. I would still have the odd day where I would avoid my reflection or would be critical of the way my stomach looked bigger in the evening than when I first woke up.
One day I decided enough was enough, once and for all. I am making a conscious decision to still look in the mirror, but not too often. And when I do so, I look at myself in a neutral or positive way. Even if my stomach is bloated, my legs are pale & my face is bare, I will still appreciate the things my body can do and the beauty in my flaws.
I am learning that my body is literally the only thing which gets me through every day. It helps me to get out of bed in the morning, walk to the office, get through a day of meetings & work, jump, run, spin & do whatever else in my work outs each day. My body obviously loves me, so it's time I started to love it.
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