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Life isn't all sunshine and roses


In the grand scheme of things, I am a very lucky person. This isn't me being boastful, I'm stating an obvious fact which many of us cease to notice the majority of the time.

I won the biological lottery. Well I came in joint first with my twin sister. Sharing is caring. Not only did we win the great sperm race, we also hit it pretty lucky with the life we were born into. I was brought up by a loving family, in a small market town, with lots of friends and relatives around me. I hit the jackpot in having a twin sister, which meant I always had my best friend by my side, and someone who would fiercely defend me to the bitter end. I went to a good school & have a university education. I have a well paid job and live in a lovely flat in a quaint town with a stranger who has become one of my best friends. 

When you have a life like this, it's easy to think you should be happy with what you have.
But I'm not happy. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy.

And this isn't down to the place I live, the job I do, the people I surround myself with. This is deeper & more complex than that. This is about not being completely happy & at ease in myself and with myself.

For as long as I can remember, I have suffered with anxiety. However, only since 2013 have I been able to pinpoint what that gnawing feeling of dread & fear is. When I was younger, probably around 9 years old, I suffered from a terrible stomach ache. This stomach ache went on for 6 months or so. My mum took me to the doctors, I had scans, examinations, the full works. Nothing could be found. The doctor put it down to 'worrying', and I remember my Mum buying me a book to try and help me to understand why I felt like this.

Since then I have suffered from a number of mental health issues. Anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. For years I buried my head in the sand, trying desperately to get better, but never really knowing how. Through therapy & medication & a lot of determination, I am working towards getting back to me. Which is why I decided to start 'The Rosie Project'.

Inspired by the book by Graeme Simson of the same name, The Rosie Project is about challenging myself to live my life to the fullest, but also to accept that things aren't always Rosie. I want to discuss things which may not always be easy to talk about. I want to prove to myself, and others, that I can do and achieve everything I want & need in life, on my own.

After a recent knock to my personal life, a good friend of mine saw me looking down at work & took me on a walk. Something he said to me has stuck with me ever since.

 "Rosie, everything you have ever achieved you have achieved by yourself. No one ran all those training runs for the marathon, you did. No one got you the job you are doing now, you did. You have achieved everything in your life off your own back"

This was like a revelation to me. It made me sit up & realise that I had the power within me to make myself happy, I didn't need to rely on anyone else for that.

Strap in, it's going to be an adventure.

 

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