Skip to main content

Life isn't all sunshine and roses


In the grand scheme of things, I am a very lucky person. This isn't me being boastful, I'm stating an obvious fact which many of us cease to notice the majority of the time.

I won the biological lottery. Well I came in joint first with my twin sister. Sharing is caring. Not only did we win the great sperm race, we also hit it pretty lucky with the life we were born into. I was brought up by a loving family, in a small market town, with lots of friends and relatives around me. I hit the jackpot in having a twin sister, which meant I always had my best friend by my side, and someone who would fiercely defend me to the bitter end. I went to a good school & have a university education. I have a well paid job and live in a lovely flat in a quaint town with a stranger who has become one of my best friends. 

When you have a life like this, it's easy to think you should be happy with what you have.
But I'm not happy. I'm not sad, but I'm not happy.

And this isn't down to the place I live, the job I do, the people I surround myself with. This is deeper & more complex than that. This is about not being completely happy & at ease in myself and with myself.

For as long as I can remember, I have suffered with anxiety. However, only since 2013 have I been able to pinpoint what that gnawing feeling of dread & fear is. When I was younger, probably around 9 years old, I suffered from a terrible stomach ache. This stomach ache went on for 6 months or so. My mum took me to the doctors, I had scans, examinations, the full works. Nothing could be found. The doctor put it down to 'worrying', and I remember my Mum buying me a book to try and help me to understand why I felt like this.

Since then I have suffered from a number of mental health issues. Anxiety, depression and an eating disorder. For years I buried my head in the sand, trying desperately to get better, but never really knowing how. Through therapy & medication & a lot of determination, I am working towards getting back to me. Which is why I decided to start 'The Rosie Project'.

Inspired by the book by Graeme Simson of the same name, The Rosie Project is about challenging myself to live my life to the fullest, but also to accept that things aren't always Rosie. I want to discuss things which may not always be easy to talk about. I want to prove to myself, and others, that I can do and achieve everything I want & need in life, on my own.

After a recent knock to my personal life, a good friend of mine saw me looking down at work & took me on a walk. Something he said to me has stuck with me ever since.

 "Rosie, everything you have ever achieved you have achieved by yourself. No one ran all those training runs for the marathon, you did. No one got you the job you are doing now, you did. You have achieved everything in your life off your own back"

This was like a revelation to me. It made me sit up & realise that I had the power within me to make myself happy, I didn't need to rely on anyone else for that.

Strap in, it's going to be an adventure.

 

Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

Some paths are meant to be travelled alone

TRP Challenge 8: Travel somewhere new, alone Visiting somewhere you have never been before really is one pf the most exhilarating & exciting things you can experience. It takes you out of your comfort zone and opens up your senses to everything going on around you. It is so easy in our day to day lives to get lost in work, relationships, money or what to have dinner that we forget to stop and appreciate the amazing things around us. Immersing yourself in somewhere new means you can fully embrace all of the small things which make each place so unique. I've always travelled with other people. I have been interrailing a couple of times, and had the absolute time of my life. I have been to India with a group from school, I've been on countless family holidays and had some of the best weeks of my life on holiday with my school friends. I feel very lucky and privileged to have been able to see so many countries and experience so many different places. However,...
Post a Comment
Read more

Words are a lens to focus one’s mind

TRP Challenge 1: Start blogging, again I used to write a blog. I used to spend hours editing the html, reviewing the posts I'd written and scrawling through all my favourite blogs. It was a hobby of mine which I sadly began to neglect. I've always loved reading and writing. My career ambition used to be to be a travel journalist. Or food journalist, I could never pick. English was always my best subject at school. I studied English Literature and Philsophy at University, which basically means I spent 3 years as a (semi) professional reader and writer. When I left University, I think I left a part of that behind. I stopped writing my blog. I stopped reading other peoples blogs. Ultimately, I don't think this was because I didn't enjoy either of those things anymore. It was because they reminded me of a difficult time in my life which I was trying to desperately separate myself from. Looking back on my blog now, I am filled with a sense of sadness. Behin...
Post a Comment
Read more

A problem shared is a problem halved

TRP Challenge 3: Go back to therapy Growing up, our Mum always taught us that sharing is caring. I think it comes with the territory of being a twin. You share your birthday, your toys, your family and even your room (Me and Molly shared till we were 14!) Sharing is part of the package when you have a large family, you have to learn to do this or risk spending your time on the naughty step. However, material objects, birthdays and even space are a lot easier to share than feelings and emotions, especially when your head is a constant tornado of worries, doubts and paranoia. I remember my first experience of therapy like it was yesterday. I was at University in Liverpool, miles away from my family & then boyfriend, terrified and feeling almost constantly lonely, even when surrounded by friends. I was lost in my own mind. The room was dark & covered in posters about self-help and charities supporting bereavement, mental health problems and stress. I felt sick t...
Post a Comment
Read more